I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
