none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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