She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
