I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
