If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
