Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
