No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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