FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
