Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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