I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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