I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
