Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize