the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
