rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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