I murdered the dance floor call the cops
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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