We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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