we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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