I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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