i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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