My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She even gives head with a lisp.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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