Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
