god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
