I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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