It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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