I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
