Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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