I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
