No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize