So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
