There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
