There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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