if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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