It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize