Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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