Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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