so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Your penis caused this!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
