i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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