$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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