So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
