im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
