My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
