I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Randomize
