I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
So. Much. Porn.
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