Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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