This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
