So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
