my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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