so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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