During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
