At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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