Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
