The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize