why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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