i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
