a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
