Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
