Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize