I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
