i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i dont even know how to be here
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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