this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
