i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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